The Seventh Dwarf Page 9

  What is your happiest childhood memory and why?

  I still treasure the days that I spent as a teenager teaching my baby sister how to do spinning kicks in her sandbox.

  What is your favourite song?

  I like the Irish band U2.Their song'I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For' could have been written for Master Artemis.

  What is your favourite film?

  I don't like shoot 'em ups, they remind me too much of real life. I like a good romantic comedy. It takes my mind off the stress of my job. My all-time favourite is Some Like It Hot.

  Where is your favourite place in the world and why?

  My favourite place in the world is by Master Artemis's side, wherever that might be. One thing I know for sure is that wherever we are, it will not be boring.

  Bodyguards have to be very brave. What scares you?

  All bodyguards have the same fear: we fear failure. If something were to happen to Artemis, and I could have prevented it, that would haunt me for the rest of my life.

  Interview With Mulch Diggums

  Do you ever regret taking up a life of crime?

  I don't think of it as crime. I think of it as redistribution of wealth. I am only taking back from the humans what they stole from us in the first place. So, no, I don't regret my criminal past, just getting caught. Anyway, I'm going straight from now on. Honest.

  All dwarfs are particularly prone to wind, which could be embarrassing for a Mud Man. What was your most embarrassing moment?

  Dwarfs are prone to attacks of wind, which is not embarrassing as such, as it is only natural. However, in my chosen profession, loud bursts of wind can be a bit of a setback. I was almost through to the main hall in the Louvre once when a particularly violent blast set off the motion sensors. They were laughing about that for years in the Atlantis Correctional Facility.

  What makes you the happiest?

  Dwarfs are never happier than when they are tunnelling. As soon as we take that first mouthful of soil, we feel at home and safe. In truth, I think that dwarfs as a species are closer to moles than humans.

  What was your proudest moment?

  I was very proud of the time that I single-handedly saved Artemis and Holly from certain death at the Eleven Wonders Exhibition in the Lower Elements - but I can't tell you too much about that yet, as I gather the adventure has yet to be released on the surface.

  You've got into many scrapes during your adventures with Artemis Fowl. What was your scariest moment?

  I must admit to being petrified that time below Fowl Manor when I had just dived into my tunnel and Butler caught me by the ankles. Believe me, an enraged Butler is the last

  person you want dragging you anywhere. Obviously this happened before we became friends.

  What do you really think of Artemis Fowl and Butler?

  I like the Irish kid. I really do.We have the same interest: gold. We have worked together on the Fei Fei project, and I can see a long future of cooperation.

  Captain Holly Short, Commander Julius Root or Foaly? Who do you like the most and why?

  Not Julius, that's for certain. I respect him, yes, but like? I don't think anyone really likes Julius, except his officers - they would all die for him. Heaven knows why. I would have to say that Holly is my favourite. She has saved my hairy rear on a couple of occasions, but it's not just that. Holly is that rarest of creatures - a loyal friend. And you don't come across many of those.

  What advice would you give a young dwarf?

  Firstly, always chew your rocks before swallowing. They pass through easier that way, and your teeth need the roughage. And secondly, never eat the same dirt twice if you can avoid it.

  What is your favourite place above or below the Earth, and why?

  There is a field in County Kerry in Ireland, where the soil is pure and chemical-free. I like to dig myself a little hole about twenty feet down and listen to the sea crash against the rocks two fields

  Interview With Foaly

  Which invention are you proudest of?

  It's hard to pick just one invention - I have registered more patents than any other fairy in history. If I had to pick one, I would say the time-stop towers: a set of five portable towers that allow the LEP to store the time-stopping abilities of several warlocks in battery form, then generate their own time-stop wherever they need to. Ingenious if I do say so myself.These little towers have got us out of more than one scrape, including the siege of Fowl Manor.

  Who or what inspires you?

  I must admit that I often read my own articles in scientific journals and inspire myself. But other than myself, my main inspiration is the pixie Opal Koboi. Opal is criminally insane, but she has a fine grasp of engineering and economics. Her Doubledex wing design revolutionized solo flight, and every time she made an advance I was spurred on to better it.

  What are your top three tips to becoming an inventor?

  Invent things that people actually want. Keep your thoughts to yourself until you are ready to patent your invention, and always wear a foil hat to deflect brain-probing rays.Those rays have not been invented yet, but you never know.

  What are your hobbies?

  When I am not in the lab, I like to read articles about me or to watch video footage of my speeches from scientific conventions. I have lately taken up line dancing.

  What is your favourite memory?

  I remember the exact moment when my quick thinking put an end to the goblin revolution. If it hadn't been for me, everyone in Police Plaza would shed their skin twice a year. But was I given a medal? Was there a statue erected in the square? No. There's gratitude for you.

  What was your favourite subject at school, besides science?

  I always fancied myself as a bit of an artist. I abandoned this dream when my art teacher told me that my landscapes were flatter than an ironed sheet of rice paper.This, I presume, is not a good thing. I was crushed and never picked up a brush again.

  What keeps you awake at night?

  My ideas keep me awake, and the thought that someone else will patent them before I can. I keep a computer fired up beside my bed in case something comes to me in the halfconsciousness between waking and sleeping.

  Most treasured possession?

  I own a collection of foil hats. One for every occasion. I have discovered an artisan who decorates my hats with clever designs. Last week I noticed two other technicians wearing foil hats. I think I may have started a trend.

  Which Mud Man do you most admire?

  I admire the Sicilian environmentalist Giovanni Zito. He is one of the few humans who are actually trying to make the world a better place. If the rest of the world adopted his

  solar wind-farm technology, emissions would be down by seventy per cent in ten years. If only Zito had Artemis Fowl's brains.

  Who is your best friend?

  My best friend under this Earth is the elf Holly Short. We are both workaholics and so do not see as much of each other as we would like, but somehow she always makes time for me, especially when work is getting me down.Whenever I am close to smashing a computer in frustration, I look up and see Holly at my elbow waving a carrot. A special elf.

  Interview With Julius Root

  Why are you harder on Captain Holly Short than you are on other Recon officers? And why were you so against female officers joining Recon?

  I was not against female Recon officers, as such, I was just doubtful that they could make the grade. I'm happy to say that Holly proved me wrong, and now there are six other female candidates for Recon in the pipeline. I was hard on Holly because I had read her psych report, and I knew my attitude would make her more determined to pass the initiation. Naturally, I was right.

  What was your proudest moment?

  My proudest moment was when Captain Short shut down the goblin rebellion. I had put a lot of faith in that elf, and she didn't let me down.

  What makes you laugh out loud?

  Nothing. I rarely smile, hardly ever chuck
le and I haven't laughed out loud in 200 years. It's bad for discipline - and if anyone says they have heard me laughing out loud, I want their name and rank.

  You and Foaly seem to have a love/hate relationship. What do you really think of him?

  Love/hate? Well, you're half right. Most of the time, I want to drop-kick that smug centaur out of my building. But I will admit, grudgingly, that his gadgets do come in useful on occasion. If they didn't he would be out of a job in a heartbeat.

  What are your top three tips for being a great LEPrecon officer?

  One: listen to your commander - he is always right.

  Two: ignore all hunches, unless suggested by your commander, who is always right.

  Three: if in doubt, call your commander. The one who is always right.

  If you hadn't been an LEP commander, what would you have liked to be?

  I always fancied myself as a landscape gardener, or a mime artist. Are you crazy?? The LEP is the only job for me. If it didn't exist, I'd have to invent it.

  What was your favourite subject at school and why?

  I always liked history, especially military tactics. By the age of six I knew exactly what King Frond should have done at the Battle of Ochre Stew. If I had been his tactician, then maybe his dynasty would have lasted another few centuries.

  Trouble Kelp or Holly Short? Which is the better Recon officer in your opinion?

  Trouble is more reliable, but Holly is more instinctive. If I was stuck in a diabolical trap, I would want Trouble to find the trap and Holly to get me out of it.

  Do you think that Mud Men and fairies could ever live in harmony?

  I doubt it. Mud Men can't even live in harmony with themselves. Though I have to admit that our surveillance has revealed a substantial mood swing among the younger generations over the past few years. They are less warlike and more understanding. So maybe there is a glimmer of hope after all.

  Interview With Eoin Colfer

  What is your favourite book?

  Stig of the Dump

  What is your favourite song?

  'The Great Beyond' by REM

  What is your favourite film?

  The Silence of the Lambs

  What are your most treasured possessions?

  Books

  When did you start writing?

  My first attempt at proper writing was way back in sixth grade. I wrote a play for the class about Norse gods. Everyone died in the end except me.

  Where do you get your ideas and inspiration from?

  Inspiration comes from experience. My imagination is like a cauldron bubbling with all the things I've seen and places I've visited. My brain mixes them all up and regurgitates them in a way that I hope is original.

  Can you give your top three tips to becoming a successful author?

  Practise - write every day even if it's only for ten minutes. Remember, nothing is wasted. Eventually your style will emerge.

  Persevere! Don't submit your manuscript until it is as good as you can make it Edit! Cut! Chop! Trust your editor.

  Get a good agent - they will find the publisher that is right for you.

  What is your favourite memory?

  One of my favourite memories is from my wedding day when my wife and her three sisters lined up for an impromptu Irish dancing session - a precursor to Riverdance.

  Where is your favourite place in the world and why?

  Slade, a small fishing village in Ireland. It's where I spent the holidays of my youth fishing, and now I go back with my own son.

  What are your hobbies?

  My main hobby is reading: I even read the labels on jars! I also love the theatre and have written a few plays. I have recently been introduced to parachuting!

  If you hadn't been a writer, what do you think you would have been?

  If I hadn't been a writer, I think I would have continued as a primary-school teacher. Kids are a great source of inspiration.

  Saint Bartleby's School for Young Gentlemen

  Annual Report

  Student: Artemis Fowl II

  Year: First

  Fees: Paid

  Tutor: Dr Po

  Language Arts

  As far as I can tell, Artemis has made absolutely no progress since the beginning of the year. This is because his abilities are beyond the scope of my experience. He memorizes and understands Shakespeare after a single reading. He finds mistakes in every exercise I administer, and has taken to chuckling gently when I attempt to explain some of the more complex texts. Next year I intend to grant his request and give him a library pass during my class.

  Mathematics

  Artemis is an infuriating boy. One day he answers all my questions correctly, and the next every answer is wrong. He calls this an example of the chaos theory, and says that he is only trying to prepare me for the real world. He says the notion of infinity is ridiculous. Frankly, I am not trained to deal with a boy like Artemis. Most of my pupils have trouble counting without the aid of their fingers. I am sorry to say, there is nothing I can teach Artemis about mathematics, but someone should teach him some manners.

  Social Studies

  Artemis distrusts all history texts, because he says history was written by th victors. He prefers living history, where survivors of certain events can actually be interviewed. Obviously this makes studying th Middle Ages somewhat difficult. Artemis has asked for permission to build a time machine next year during double periods so that the entire class may view medieval Ireland for ourselves. I have granted his wish and would not be at all supprised if he succeded in his goal.

  Science

  Artemis does not see himself as a student, rather as a foil for the theories of science. He insists that the periodic table is a few elements short and that the theory of relativity is all very well on paper but would not hold up in the real world, because space will disintegrate before lime. I made the mistake of arguing once, and young Artemis reduced me to near tears in seconds. Artemis has asked for permission to conduct failure analysis tests on the school next term. I must grant his request, as I fear there is nothing he can learn from me.

  Social & Personal Development

  Artemis is quite perceptive and extremely intellectual. He can answer the questions on any psychological profile perfectly, but this is only because he knows the perfect answer. I fear that Artemis feels that the other boys are too childish. He refuses to socialize, preferring to work on his various projects during free periods. The more he works alone, the more isolated he becomes, and if he does not change his habits soon, he may isolate himself completely from anyone wishing to be his friend, and, ultimately, his family. Must try harder.